I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
