Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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