Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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