some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
