I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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