Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
3pm strippers are depressing
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
