Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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