does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
