I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
