Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
