And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
