He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
