I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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