My room smells like vodka and shame
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
