I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I have surprise drugs for everyone
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I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
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But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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