I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
