apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Randomize
