I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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