Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
