Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
