Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Randomize
