i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
