listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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