Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
My life is pants optional.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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