you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
