some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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