So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
A bitchslap is in order.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
