I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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