the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
