the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
