dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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