It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
