Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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