I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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