if you like me you must not know who I am
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
