i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
