Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
