very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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