Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
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i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
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BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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