The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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