I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
