On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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