god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
