He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
