Grow some girl-balls and come out already
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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