The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I am available for nakedness
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
