Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
