Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
