I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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