What a fucking waste of an outfit
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
