my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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