New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
