ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
