I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
