i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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