first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
